Madison will turn 14 in a matter of days and while I revel in watching my beautiful, intelligent daughter grow up, it also carries with it a boat load of chest-clutching fear for her dear 'ol parents. I keep saying it out loud; a learner's permit? How could this child possibly be old enough to get her driver's permit?
Today we picked up the driver's ed manual and it ceased to be just another paperback book. What I held in my hands was the realization that my baby girl is reaching the age in life when she will venture out on her own and not always have her mom and dad around to protect her. Letting go is scary. Scary for me that is. For Madison, it is a right-of-passage that has her thrilled, tickled, excited and giggly.
I don't want to let go. I am afraid of letting her out into the big scary world on her own...in a moving vehicle...where she could get hurt. I remember crying one day to my mom about what a difficult day it had been with Madison and Thomas. Madi was a mere 15 months old when Thomas came home and she seemed so 'big' then. My mom in all of her sage wisdom told me that as hard as the baby years are, they are the easy days of child-rearing and the problems get bigger as the kids do. OMG, she really was the smartest woman alive. Oh how I miss her wisdom. Why didn't I pay attention and soak up every tidbit she uttered when she was alive?
Are there days when I wish the Schwan's man would take all 4 of my cranky kids??? Oh hell yeah! But then I come back to reality and remember he brings the goodies, and it's against Schwan's policy to take people's children. Damn it. Reality really does suck sometimes.
How in the hell can my first born be old enough to drive a car? How is it possible that I'm old enough to have a kid that old? It seems like yesterday I stood in the hospital holding Madison as she took her first breaths of air in this world. Time marches on for damn sure and the next phase of life that commences in a few short days has the distinct ability to take days/months/years off my life. Telomeres and cortisol are killing me right now (Love ya Angie)!
As we head into Spring, I anticipate a teenaged daughter chomping on the bit to get behind the wheel and drive with Marc or me in the co-pilot seat. Only one thing makes me laugh as I think of this thought and that is Madison's desire to drive with her birthmom, Angela when we are in Seattle in June! Oh, how I hope Angela can bear the fear of sitting in the seat-'o-death while her genetic legacy takes the wheel on a very crowded I-5. At least learning to drive in North Dakota is not as fear/cortisol inducing as driving on roads crammed with pissed off, hostile, bird flipping BMW drivers. Here all we worry about is passing a combine on a narrow two-laned road or merging onto an empty interstate. Ah yes, Seattle driving should be fun. Thank God Angela is, as her name indicates, and angel and I know she and Madi will have gobs of fun on the Seattle roads. WAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
There are scars, still. Even within the miracles.
4 months ago