decisions, decisions

In 2007 our decision to adopt the boys from Haiti was a no brainer.  We just knew we would follow our hearts to pursue adoption.  This time however, I am having a hard time following my faith-filled heart.  This time I know what lies ahead for us; the L.O.N.G, endless wait, the political upheavals, the horrific cost, the emotional weight gain for me, etc.  I am also worried about just how many times we can adopt, and continue to avoid kids with dramatic emotional issues related to loss, grief, anger, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc!

I'll be the first to acknowledge that one of our kids has some struggles due to some prenatal exposures, but those challenges, both for him and us, remain manageable.  He works his hinney off to conform to social norms and to please.  'Normal' families might think he'd be a handful, but for us, adapting to his needs is just second nature.  But the huge, cloudy thought bubble hanging over my head remains and it keeps shouting, "What if next time, you have a kid that throws our newly established sense of normalcy into the toilet, day after day, after day?  Trust me, I now know approximately 70 women who deal with this shinola everyday and what they deal with scares the paint off my toenails.

A little knowledge is scary and I know just how lucky our two little boys were to have been cared for in a creche that did very well by them.  Their physical, emotional, and educational needs were met.  Of course no creche can replace a forever family, but in terms of orphanages, our was good.  Very good!  But I've also seen and heard the real life horror stories of kids from orphanages that carry home to their forever families, their fears, struggles and anger about their lives that they have not had any control over.  All of that crappola eventually comes out and the forever family ends up being the toilet into which these kids spew their crap.  Of course the kids are not to blame.  They are the innocent ones, but getting thru to them that you will love them forever and always, protect them and comfort them is an endlessly up hill battle. 

We've been very, very lucky and blessed in our 4 adoptions.  I believe in every fiber of my body that each of my children have been destined to be mine from God since the creation of our earth.  I know these are my gift's from God and are only with me for the blink of an eye before they grow up and leave home.  I am ashamed to be struggling with my faith right now:  To be questioning the nudges I feel God is giving me.  I wonder if my desire for another child is a selfish wish on my part solely or am I merely following the pull in my illogical heart.  God has never given me a "Burning Bush" sign to definitevly tell me what to do.  I've looked for the billboard signs that say, "God wants you to do this."  I suppose I need to keep looking deeper in my heart which is highly illogical and yet has not led me astray.

My heart has never been logical.  I have always led with my heart.  So far my heart has not let me down.  Why then do I question the addition of another child?  I don't know?  When I see my thoughts in print I feel stupid that I have even written them.  I know there is another child out there for us, but feel very selfish in wanting that.  All these crazy thoughts of course after talking to Vivian, our adoption social worker who presented me with a couple different options in Haiti.  So many kids remain in orphanages that I feel guilty for contemplating only adopting one.  We've been blessed in so many aspects in life, that both Marc and I feel that it's wrong to not share it, and do what we can to leave the world in a better state than when we entered it.  However, none of that is to say we are adopting again because we feel some mis-guided need to 'rescue' an orphan.  Our desire in adopting again is purely selfish.

We want another child.

We have the ability to do so.

What I don't have right now is T.H.E. sign from God that that is his path for us.

Faith.

I have it.

So if I have faith, why am I waiting for that 'burning bush' sign?