I've been really, really lucky in our adoptions. Our kids are attached, happy and discrimating in their affections. We didn't 'hole up' when the boys came home from Haiti,, but instead tossed them into the reality of our life. Of course we modified life a bit and Marc took 6 weeks off to stay at home while we smooshed together our new life of 4 kids and 2 parents. Each of our adoptions, just like our kids have been vastly different, yet each with their own challenges and joys.
What's bugging me today is that once again I have read a post on a forum I belong to, where the gal is tickled about the adoption they're beginning, but one in which she openly states that her husband has "allowed" her to proceed with the paperwork etc, even though he is still not 100% sold on the idea. WHAT???? She further stated that they have prayed and fasted and feel their needs are covered by prayer. Whatever!
Being the shy person I am, I took the chance to share some of my experience in the adoption realm and tried to educate her that it's not a great idea to proceed blithely along with the assumption that dear 'ol hubby will share her passion and fall in love with said new child. To further complicate matters, they are working with their states DHS. OMG, scary!! The kids under DHS care are going to need some serious therapeutic parenting; one where both parents are on board.
Once again I find myself treading that fine line between scaring the hell out of prospective parents with potential REALITIES and not bustin' their bubble of joy. I remember with our last adoption, I hated hearing about all the problems that we could face. But the difference is I had educated myself, prepared and gleaned every shred of knowledge I could from those who had gone before me and didn't merely rely on prayer/fasting. Don't get me wrong. I prayed my butt off, but God also gave me a brain that told me to prepare for any eventuality. I also knew I might have a kid with attachment trauma, but that I would NOT be a mom who could not attach.
How do I impress upon people who are still in the dreamy-eyed state that not everyone is cut out for adoption? I know the forum post I replied to pissed off the prospective mom, but it scares the hell out of me for the potential new family member, that the dad is just going along with it. I failed in this situation to impress the necessity of two parents being gung-ho about it and being so thrilled and happy that no obstacle could over whelm them.
I have been really, really fortunate to have 4 attached, average kids. Do I give God some of the credit, of course I do. I also credit really, really great adoption social workers/advocates who shared the reality that 'could be'. Life aint always a bowl of cherries. Sometimes life is like it was here the other day......full of dog poop, stir-crazy kids and assinine comments from freaks in the store that make us roll our eyes at their stupidity. Somebody help me get thru to this gal how important it is to be in-it-together with her husband. I'm failing to educate and it's killing me!
4 months ago