I have nothing good to say today about anything. I am angry, depressed, morose, lethargic, melancholy, blue, and reclusive. I hate myself for feeling this way when it is a beautifully sunny day, albeit, downright cold. Nonetheless, it is a day that I should be enjoying by any means possible.
Yesterday I was so blue about our extended stay in MOI that Marc and I went shopping for Richnightder and Jerome. We bought lots and lots of clothes, more bedding, more cute wall decorations and finally bought some booster seats for the car. I almost feel like shopping for the boys at this stage of the game is putting a hex on the adoption. Everytime I buy things, a setback usually follows. Yes, I am superstitious, but I almost have to be having grown up in my Irish Catholic family. Right now, I am without faith, hope, and just feel like everytime we take a step forward, we ended having the rug pulled out from under us and go back 4 steps. What I really need now is an MOI exit and to believe that my boys will come home. It was 2 years ago that Marc and I sent in the first paperwork of our dossier to Heritage. 2 flippin' years!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boys were 4 years old when we first saw their pictures and fell in love. In two weeks, Jerome will turn 6 and my "babies" will officially both be grade-schoolers.
I am at a loss of how to drag myself out of this self-imposed melancholy. Shopping yesterday didn't even do it. I know I am REALLY down when shopping doesn't help. Then again, we don't have a Nordstrom here so buying nice shoes or purses was not an option. My sister was depressed and went out and bought herself a nice little Louis Vuitton handbag. She said it made her feel much better. Maybe I will have to try that too, but of course to do that I will have to drive to Minneapolis which is a 7 hour drive. See, no matter what, everything today has a dark lining to it. Where is the silver lining in all of this. I guess I will just have to wait and see.
There are scars, still. Even within the miracles.
4 months ago