Samuel Jerome and Richnightder

Samuel Jerome and Richnightder
Our boys in Haiti

Friday, December 2, 2011

Dreams of pushing a shopping cart

In my continuing theme of lamenting about my knee injury, I will one again bore the two people who still read my blog and complain and moan about the healing process.  I've learned a lot about myself during this injury and healing process, mostly that I am not patient at all.

I returned to the physical therapist on Tuesday and was pleased to learn that my injured knee is continuing to heal and is scarring down and tightening up.  This is all good news, but the flip side of the good news is that I must push ahead and step outside (no pun intended) of my comfort zone with my knee.  I was told to use only one crutch and begin to bear almost full weight on my right leg.  This is scary stuff.  Five weeks ago when I injured it, I couldn't stand with any weight on my leg without my femur flopping to the inside of my knee by about 7 cm.  Wickedly gross stuff.

Now I'm supposed to stand and 'trust' my knee to support me.  I get pins and needle like shooting pains through the MCL portion of my knee that remind me it still isn't like it used to be.  I've been told that it will take a full year for the scar tissue to mature and for the knee to be as stable as it once was.  While my physical healing is progressing, my psychological healing is taking longer.  Every time I take a step now, I am acutely aware of where I place my foot, and what it feels capable of bearing.  I must be super careful about not twisting or rotating on my right foot as that will cause the knee to twist too. 

OK, let me just cut to the damn chase and say it.  I'm friggin' scared as hell to begin using the leg again as I worry that I'll injury it again.  I know the pain it caused and I really don't want to have to feel that again......EVER!  See, mentally I'm a basket case.  Even though I'm a nervous wreck, I am pushing myself to do just as the PT told me to do.  Next Tuesday I return to the PT and if it's continuing to heal as expected, they take my crutches away and will ask me to stand like a stork, bearing all my weight on the bad knee.  OH MY GOD, this scares me.

How do I get beyond the fear of re injuring my knee again?  I am so impatient to get back to my normal full-steam-ahead pace of life, that my mental fears hold me back.  I can't trust my knee yet and still I dream about the day I can drive to the grocery store and push my overly-burdened cart thru the store with great vengeance. 

Pathetic!  My great motivating dream is to push a cart thru the damn grocery store.  Holy Toledo, I need a life!

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