Hard to believe we had another rip-roaring blizzard yesterday. That makes 2 full-fledged blizzards in 11 days. We had just under a foot of snow yesterday and it left some monstrous drifts everywhere.
It has become a nasty habit that Marc is in trial whenever there is a blizzard and is forced to stay in town in his office....alone, by himself, with a warm blanky, a full bathroom, kitchen and most importantly...solitude! Lucky dog! He made it home a little bit ago and is outside on the tractor beginning to move the massive snow drifts that have trapped us on this side of the road. I hate the fact that without him at home, we are trapped.
It often forces me to think about what my life would be like without him...God forbid, as my Irish Catholic mother would add! How would I do the things I just naturally assume he does? While I'm not a shrinking violet and am up to a challenge, there are some things I just can't do. One of those things is moving horse pen panels around. Those are heavy and my short arms just can't grasp them. I can't push the snow on the tractor as I can't seem to figure out how to manipulate the hydraulics and all those damn levers. I can't dig down 4 feet into the draught ravaged ground to fix the water hydrant that the horse ran over. I can't do lots of jobs that are purely sheer muscle jobs. I know that if something happened to Marc, I would be forced to hire these things done. Yes that costs money, but I would have no other option. It bothers me that I wouldn't be able to do it all like he would be able to. Let's face it, doing the laundry and grocery shopping are not exactly 'splitting-the-atom' kind of tasks. Anyone can do those things.
Besides the weather and it's complicating factors in life, I wouldn't want to go thru this life without him. Raising these kids alone would be torture. I guess I could and would do it, but it is a lot more fun to do it with my best friend. Everything in life is more fun with Marc. When he's not here I feel like I'm missing something. Recently, I was asked what changes I have experienced this past year, and in addition to the answer I said then, I would have to add that i fear losing my best friend. It's just a thought that scares the hell out of me.
Life is tenuous and hangs by a thread. I met Marc on October 27, 1987 and things have only gotten better since then. It makes me realize how quickly life is whizzing by and how much I stilll have to do in this life and how many things I want to do with Marc. One of those things is watching all 4 of my kids graduate from college. God willing, they'll get there without driving me into a raging alcoholic or the mental institution. Sitting on a porch swing with Marc in our old age, remembering the good 'ol days is defintely a must have on my list of things to do in this life with him. Hopefully we'll be able to sit there and laugh and recall all the dumb-ass things he's done. Thankfully, I've never done anything stupid or dumbass!
There are scars, still. Even within the miracles.
4 months ago