Samuel Jerome and Richnightder

Samuel Jerome and Richnightder
Our boys in Haiti

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Adoption Etiquette

I've been following a gal's blog for several months now. She has several children by birth and brought home 2 kids from Haiti post EQ. She has disrupted both of her new children's adoptions for un-specified reason, other than to say they acted in angry, violent and possibly sexual ways.

Being the shy, soft-spoken person that I am, I left her a comment on her blog sharing my view that she was totally unprepared to add children to her family thru adoption. She did post on her blog that she was suprised that the new kids did not show gratefulness or appreciativeness for being 'saved.' I tried to educate her, kindly, and thought that maybe, just maybe she had seen the error of her ways and mis-guided feelings. She acknowledged that she was un-prepared and only thought RAD was from drug or alcohol babies. She even wrote that she thought she needed to save these kids from the horrors of living as a Restavec. Hell, anyone who knows about Haiti knows the life of a Restavec is miserable at best and deadly at its worst. But to adopt a child to save them is wrong.

Adoption should always be motivated by the fact that the adoptive parents have love in abundance to share. Adoptive parents also realize that often the love they pour out to their new children isn't always reciprocated and if it is, it is sometimes masked by pain and previous traumatic behavior. It is also good to realize that in trans-racial and international adoption, the children often DO NOT physically resemble their new parents. If you don't like the constant public attention and dumb-ass questions, then you better think twice about adoption. I stand by my previous assertion that this other gal went into this with all the wrong motivation and without ANY agency guidance.

But what really twists my cork is what she just wrote on her blog in response to me. I paraphrase here, but she wrote that I could not walk in her shoes since all of my kids are adopted and she had to protect her birth children from her newly adopted Haitian kids. HELLLLOOOOO, does she not think I would protect my oldest two kids in the event that my little boys were acting out towards them????? I suppose since all my kids are adopted, means that I can allow them to be victimized by the newest two Laurie kids??!!

So in an effort to spread adoption etiquette to one gal who had no business complicating those two kids' lives by being unprepared for their arrival into her family, I share this deep thought: Regardless of the fact that all 4 of my children are adopted, I would protect them from harm in the same tenacious way that I would if they had been born to me. Can you sense I am screaming here????????

I also take offense at the comment she wrote in which she feels God used her as a tool to bring those kids here to the United States so that she could lead them to their forever mama. WHAT??? Maybe God expected you to step up to the plate, prepare, be knowledgeable and have a support system in place for the worst case scenario. Yes I do understand that there are in deed some situations in which finding a new family is the best solution for a child, however gut-wrenching it may be, but to have them home for 6-7 months and be dissolusioned because they added chaos and undesirable behavior is ignorant. I don't know anyone who would not seek all avenues of therapy and support, to include residential treatment to prevent a disruption. Yet I get the sense from her blog that she was just overwhelmed and frustrated because her new kids had some abusive backgrounds and brought that behavior with them. There appears to be a lot she did not think thru.

Oh this is a good statement she made. "After sacrificing for two years"....to get them home....! Excuse me? Who hasn't sacrificed to bring their kids home? The tears, gained weight, sleepless nights, anxiety, fear, frustration, finacial costs, yet we all did it and have been rewarded with the kids we desperatly wanted. Some people have had kids come home with really, really challenging behavior that is shocking, yet they haven't run right to court to dissolve the relationship. Some have put years into therapies, cried until there were no tears left and done a selfless act of finding a new home to ensure all their children's safety....to include their other adopted children too.

So I have vented and yet I don't feel any better. I do stand in judgement on this as I am greatly offended to know that she doesn't think my adopted children deserve the same level of protection as would a birth child. Maybe she is just tongue-twisted and things come out wrong, but I am still bugged to know she brought those kids home from Haiti and resented the fact they had baggage.

I'll end on this note of advice. Adding new kids to the family thru birth or adoption changes the status quo. Normal as it was once known, will never be again. Instead, a new normal takes its place. It takes time to shake out, but normal is a relative state of mind. A new normal does make itself apparant and life goes on. Is adoption easy, HELL NO! Would I change a thing? Well if I had a magic wand I would wipe the slate clean for my little boys and let them have come to me from loving, non traumatic situations, but then, they wouldn't have been available for adoption and to be my God given children. I guess since I lack a magic wand, I'd say I wouldn't change a thing and thank God for all 4 of my beautiful, lively, funny kids....even though they are adopted. And that last bit was written with a GREAT amount of sarcasm!!!

25 comments:

Corey said...

I don't have anything to add. Except that I love you, and I stand with you, and I know you stand with me, and I treasure your friendship more than you know. What you wrote made me cry, because you acknowledged.. everything. All of the pain, all of the trauma, all of the SHIT that we've been through and continue to go through, and WILL continue to go through. And I get that part of what incenses you is the way her short commitment cheapens our pain and puts a bad face on disruption and makes it that much harder and more shameful for those of us who truly have no choices left. So I appreciate all of your anger and indignation, and WHEN I see you, girl, I am going to hug the stuffing out of you, and probably cry on your shoulder for about an hour.

I love you. And thank you for not linking to her blog, because I can't take it.

Kristi said...

Insanity. I get being frustrated and wanting things to be different. I also get the deep pain of wishing that this horrid behavior meant something different. Does she think these kids enjoy this? If this is how they are acting on the outside just imagine what they are feeling on the inside. I mean I get it I really do! I have one screaming right now and two who decided to take this as the distraction they needed to dump all of the dog food in the dogs outside kennel. Apparently the dogs were really hungry. Now would I trade these kids for the world? Not a chance.

geralyn said...

Corey I am so glad i was able to put into words my anger at this woman for her short-sightedness. I know you and others have struggled until the emotional pain becomes a physical ache to find answers and solutions and yet this gal just tosses in the towel.

I love you too girlfriend and can't wait until March 4th!!!! Give Sarah a hug from me when you see her in GB!!

Sarah & Crew said...

Wow. I'm nearly speechless here as I'm reading your post. I understand your incensed feelings, and believe me, you're not alone.

I just wrote out a huge long rant to add onto your post, but deleted it, because you said it all so beautifully. And I'm just angry for you and for everything you wrote.

I miss you. Can't wait for Orlando! And I will give Corey a HUGE hug for YOU when I see her in 2 days.

Love you, G,
Sarah

Julie said...

Thanks for writing this Geralyn. It makes me nuts! I feel so badly for all of those children, her bio kids as well because what kind of life lessons are they learning from her? And kids from Haiti deserve better. Well, of course all adopted kids deserve better but they have already gone through so much! Did this children come home the same time as Elliott? I just feel so connected to everyone who came home. Maybe you could send me an email with her blog? Not so I can flame her or anything, just curious about the kids.

SQ said...

Good morning Geralyn. For your readers I am that woman she is angry with. I pray blessings and peace for you because that is what my family, my children and my kids new family is feeling :)
Here is my response I left on my site for you:
Geralyn
Sorry I didn’t mean to make an offense. All I am saying is can anyone really say they have walked EXACTLY in someone elses shoes? You did not disrupt and I have. I met a woman on-line who I now consider a friend. She has somewhat walked in my shoes, I say somewhat because every family is unique with their life’s situation. She can because her daughter came home at the same exact time our kids did. She actually got her daughter the same week my kids came home. We can talk and almost finish each others sentences. She has bio children and then adopted and experienced many of the same behaviors from her child and had the same type of emotional responses as me and my family. And, she is actually adopted herself and has adopted siblings and yet had a very similar experience once her daughter was home as us.
Can you really say you have walked in my shoes? Can you bare my burden with a heart felt response or do prefer to make comments like “Perhaps you are too embarrassed to fully embrace kids that are dis-similar to you both by appearance and behavior.” I know Job’s friends weren’t much of comfort to him either when they were trying to point out what he must have done to reap such a harsh judgment.
It saddens my heart because my kids (I’m going to talk about my adopted ones now) are beautiful in appearance to me and because they are God’s children. I have always been drawn to black babies over Caucasian ones since I was a child myself. This is not about racism. We made our heart wrenched decision based upon a ton of stuff like I said. At the end of the day it was seeking God’s will in the situation that lead us to dissolution. I respect all of your concern for the children. I am not a vengeful person. I’m not one that will sling mud. I appreciate that you have taken time out of your busy schedule to share your heart.
The web is a hard place to place your heart. I know first hand because I choose to wear my heart on my sleeve, but even so there is only so much I can write without leaving so many wholes leaving much for the reader to assume. I realize that. I was very proud of my little group of children when I went about. My kids were all always given wonderful compliments and I never had a negative look or comment where I live. It’s a small town here and I’m well known and everyone was aware of my adoption because I was such a heavy advocate for the children of Haiti here. You have not walked in my shoes because you have not made the decision I have or known the heartache it has been to make such a decision. You situation couldn’t be more different than mine and that is ok, isn’t it? You only got a tip of the ice berg story of why we chose dissolution, but I can tell you that we went to fervently look for counsel in a multitude of Godly men and women, and an actual counselor they all said disruption was the best choice for all . We have had person after person come and tell us we made the right decision including the people we adopted from, for our sake and all of the kids. Part 1

SQ said...

Part 2 Here is a short statement from my son’s new mom,
I read your blog and it just breaks my heart that you can't see clearly that God used you EXACTLY how he planned it. Your heart was to save these kids and you did that! I am sure he put that desire into the hearts of you and Clinton, and he led you to these 2 kids and had you adopt them and bring them out of the chaos of Haiti...and place them in their forever homes.
You do not need to be ashamed of that. It was a wonderful thing you did. And possibly you might not have done it if God had allowed you to see the end result. But I truly believe you were called to rescue the kids and you heard and obeyed. You were not called to raise them and you were able to receive that also. I guess I just see your willingness and obedience to God's voice... – (J’s momma) It’s been my experience with my friends that have only adopted kids are more accepting of children who have manifested behaviors. Not that they aren’t protective with all of their children, but they have a call that I do not which is to bring in these kids with dangerous behaviors, they have calls to adopt only either because they can not conceive or they have chosen to have a family made up of children of their heart instead of their womb. Praise God for people like them who can give them a loving home. Praise God they are living in God’s perfect will for their lives. Praise God for you and the children you call your own that are your own. I pray blessings on you and your household as you have a heavenly womb. I’m still grieving that because it was my heartfelt desire to have one too. I have learned so much about myself, about God’s character, about my identity in Him and so much more this last year. All I know is that I am today walking in His perfect will for my life and I know because for the first time in months I feel His Peace, His Hope and His love. The awful voices that have been attacking my mind have subsided and I am excited for the future. Hallelujah Glory to the Father who reigns now and forever more! I could worship Him all day. His mercy is NEW today for me. His Grace it covers me and envelopes me! I could shout about His love from the roof tops. Oh here I go…. I could worship Him forever that’s all I want to do. He is worthy to be Praised  www.strongquiver.blogspot.com
I hope you understand that it was not their unsafe behavior alone that lead us to their behavior their were many many other issues going on with our other children and our family etc. God bless you.

SQ said...

I meant their unsafe behavior is not the only thing that lead to dissolution there were so many personal reasons that I couldn't list them all nor would I. I know you said you walked in my shoes so that you could in fact place judgement on me, that is why I said you hadn't walked in my shoes by sheer fact. I have bio kids and you do not. I didn't say you loved them less or protected them less. I just said by sheer fact we have different facts meaning your shoes and my shoes look different and are different and isn't that ok. If you want to have a place for anger towards me I feel for you because God is doing such a great thing here in our home and in my children's lives. I wish you could know how wonderful Mr. J is doing in his new home. I am eternally blessed that I could get him there. :) I brought him here for his sake not mine and he is where he belongs. I linked you to my FB page because I think it's important to always share everyone's perspective whether I think it is correct or not. Everyone has a right to share and be heard. Praying God's peace for all your readers because wouldn't it be like the enemy to try and complicate this with emotions opposite of the fruits of the spirit... I choose peace, gentleness and self-control. Praying the same for you sister. If Christ is your Lord than you are my sister :)

geralyn said...

You are still completly missing it!

I DID NOT adopt these kids to save them. I adopted them for the selfish reason of wanting more children to love!!!!!

Adopting kids to save them is a horribly misguided thought!!!!

You also still do not realize that people love their adopted children as much as a birth child. You pointed out that I could not know this since I "Only had adopted children" and my reply to you is that I know this because of the multitude of people I know who have both adopted and birth children.

I also continue to question your assertion that God had a plan for you and you followed it. How do you know what God's plan is/was for you???? I know I do my very best everyday to do what I believe God would want me to do, but never has God boldly confirmed my thoughts. I merely keep marching along and hope and pray I am doing the right thing.

I love to continue our dialoge. It gives me insight into other people's lives and how they feel regarding my family.

SQ said...

Thanks Geralyn for allowing me to continue. About your comment: "I DID NOT adopt these kids to save them. I adopted them for the selfish reason of wanting more children to love!!!!!" I absolutely agree with you and that is why I have been so bold to uncover myself and face brutal attacks because I want people to learn from my mistakes. I know you love your children as your own. I don't question that. There is a difference though in the sheer fact that most kids come with trauma from adoption and my birth kids did not that's all I meant so that does change an awful lot of the dynamics in the picture for us. As to whether or not I can truly hear God's voice. 9However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him" 10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. 1 Corinthians 2:9 and my favorite Jeremiah 33:3 How do I know they can't stay? My son is being put in danger by his 7 year old sister as she keeps pursing him bc she doesn't know better and thinks acting out in an inappropriate way is the only way to get love. I can't say anymore about it. My kids were in danger and that is why we made our choice and yes we love our adopted kids and still had to pray and get counsel whether it was the right decision bc i really wanted to be their mom for lifetime. So you stand in judgment over me, I pray you change your heart for your own peace. :)

Tifanni said...

As a mom of two adopted and a biological child, it matters not to me how my children came into my family, or who came first. I will always do everything in my power to keep all my children safe.
I struggle so much with the use of God's will as a dissolution of an adoption. As a Christian, I"m very much aware of how the Bible states that when we choose to believe we becoming children of God. We become adopted into God's family and he never gives up on us, regardless of what we go through or have done.

geralyn said...

Tifanni, you brought tears to my eyes. You 'get' it and although you birthed your gorgeous daughter, your son's fit your family as though conceived by you and Mike too.

It eases my heart to know you would take care of my children should we die and love them like we do.

I treasure your friendship and family.

Julie said...

SQ, I don't understand you. At all. I went to your websites. I just don't understand using the bible as a way to punish (not discipline) your children. And you use a lot of words but you don't really say anything except to use God to defend your irresponsible behavior.

Geralyn, thanks for being brave and continuing the dialogue. You are a great advocate for children!

geralyn said...

Julie, my dear friend. How I wish we could have traveled to Haiti together.....I think we would have had more than a little fun regardless of the bugs, heat, and
humidity.

Thanks for being in the 'Camp of understanding and realizing that God does not direct us to do hurtful selfish things.' But that is just my humble opinion!

Hugs to you and Elliot! Hey, when you headin' out to ND??

dreamingBIGdreams said...

wow this is all crazy. wow.
i have children through adoption and birth and they are all my own and i love them all the same. the same.
adoption is HARD. our son came home after the EQ and we have had many many many hard days. some days he shows love to me in abundance and some moments he won't even look at me. It is hard.
I am not agreeing or disagreeing with anyone just agreeing that yes adoption is hard. might be the hardest years ever of my parenting.
not sure if that made sense or not. :)

Angela said...

Hi...I feel that I need to add to this comment section. So far this blog made me cry, made me mad, and then cry again. I am one of the birth parents of Geralyn's "adopted" children. I want to say that THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between adopted and birth children. They are YOUR children, no matter how they came to you as a parent.

I tell people all the time that I was just the carrier of Madison, she was not meant for me. This was not an easy decision, it was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. God told me what needed to happen and I followed through on his plan. This is not an excuse (like someone), this is the truth! I would NEVER make an excuse by using God.

I believe that SQ is doing what she is doing and using God as an excuse b/c she does not know any better. I pray for her, I hope that she realizes that she is wrong.

Kathy said...

Hey Gerlyn,

Yes the twins have grown a great deal this past year--about three inches taller they are.

I enjoy your blog so much. When I need a little laugh or pick me up, I just read your latest and don't leave reading it with a dry eye from laughing so hard.

Thank you, too, for this post on Adoption Etiquette. I completely agree with you and am frustrated on so many levels for what has happened here. You have stated it well!

BethPie said...

I don't know the specifics, but have read on FB that quite a few children who came home after the earthquake have had their adoptions disrupted. This is just heartbreaking! It also makes me wonder if these disruptions are proportionate to those that have taken place in families whose children cam home after a "normal" (was Haitian adoption ever normal?!? Ugh!) adoption process. I can't even imagine the trauma on a little heart after experiencing the terror of a disaster like that; the fear of death, the hunger, watching your adult caretakers fear for their lives. And then to come to an American family immediately after - their survival instinct must be in severe overdrive. They are looking out for themselves, and rightly so. Of course there will be inappropriate behavior. I really feel like agencies probably dropped the ball by not offering resources for the families in that particular situation.

I fully understand that there are legitimate cases for disruption but within less than a year of coming home? Even in the case of child on child abuse, I believe my tactic would be to have the perpetrator with me at all times. Inconvenient? Probably... but if I had a handicapped child that required my constant supervision for medical reasons, it would be the same sort of burden - carried in love for the child.

Also, in a way, I feel that it is disingenuous to hand a child over to someone who wasn't approved to adopt from Haiti. Sure, their parameters for adoptive parents are restrictive and STUPID, but when our paperwork went through IBESR, Parquet, MOI, et al., it was in good faith that the children would remain in our homes. I might not agree with Haitian laws, but they are a sovereign country and made the final decision on the families they deem fit for Haitian children. Again, I know there are special circumstances, but within months of placement, to me, just seems hasty. :o(

Holy moly, that got long. Sorry. ;o)

BethPie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pintabians said...

I have to say that God can and does heal, whether a child is abrupted after less than one year or five years after placement. It does not cheapen the pain of those of you who tried longer. It takes a strong and humble person to dissolute, no matter how long it has been. I would rather someone abrupt or dissolute than to physically abuse their children, which on two separate instances, I have witnessed. It takes humility to admit when we are wrong, admit our weaknesses and that we are not able to do something. In the opposite extreme, some are too proud to admit they can't do it, and the children suffer. Please, we must unite as Christians and support each other for the sake of the children.

geralyn said...

I appreciate your comment and I agree that it is in a childs' best interest to disrupt if a parent did not have their heart in it FULLY! By that I mean, if in Emma's case, she brings children home for all the wrong reasons, is angered by the fact that the new kids are understandably disruptive and completely unprepared for RADish behavior, then she is doing the children a favor by placing them with a FOREVER family.

My anger at Emma is because she did not enter into this agreement with the right intentions. Her intent was "To save" and we all know that is misguided. She was also woefully unprepared to parent children with issues relating to loss, abuse, RAD, etc.

I also took exception with Emma's views that I cannot walk in her shoes since I did not have birth children. The inference there is that my children are loved less, protected less and I would not be capable of understanding the depth of love one would feel for a child birthed to them. I maintain that Emma was not prepared nor capable of loving a child by adoption as she would a birth child.

Emma and I are different creatures. I love my children regardless of how they came into my life. I also would not dissolve my relationship to them as hastily or without pulling out every stop known to man to prevent a disruption. Her acts of abruptness shows a lack of committment to her children, and as Beth pointed out, a betrayal of the trust the government of Haiti placed in her. Did I stand in judgement of Emma? YES! and I would argue that everyone stands in judgment of others on a multitude of issues everyday. It is how we set our moral compass and decide what we value or reject.

Christian, atheist, Muslim, Jewish, the faith is irrelevant. We must all stand together in a unified front to protect children, love them regardless of circumstances and step up to the plate and do what we must to help. Sometimes, that simply is stepping outside of our comfort zones and engaging in behaviors and circumstances that are uncomfortable to us. My children have benefited from the knowledge that my love and commitment to them is lifelong and I will resolve until the end of time to do what I can to help....regardless of the fact they are adopted or birthed to me.

pintabians said...

I respect your choice to judge Emma. I have to say that I choose not to judge her publicly. I hope you understand my position.

Col. 3:13 says, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man has a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Matt. 7:1-2 says, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

Luke 17:3 says, "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him."

1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

If Emma has offended you personally by her decision to dissolute her adoption, I am sure she would repent and ask forgiveness from you. I know that Emma and her husband have been on their faces before the Lord concerning the children, and this decision did not come easily for them.

Fourteen years ago, we adopted three children from Haiti. No amount of preparing or reading could have prepared us fully for what we were about to experience. Through God's grace, our adoption was successful and our son is healing. It is something I thank God for daily. God led us and showed us how to help our son heal from RAD.

I believe Emma's heart was in the right place when she adopted the children. She may not have been fully prepared to deal with the children's issues, but neither was I. My prayer is that we can unite and be a good example of believers doing what they feel the Lord calling them to do for the sake of the thousands of orphans in need of families across the world. We need to love one another in spite of our differences.

geralyn said...

I continue to hold firm in my judgement of Emma. Her decisions have long lasting ramifications on not only her birth children, but also on the children she had for a few months. I believe she failed to teach her birth children some very important lessons; such as, demonstrating love in difficult circumstances that transcends reason and viability, that a family is a family until every possible avenue has been pursued. I feel she taught her birth children that when the going gets rough, she reliquishes and moves on. I question if she would dissolve her relationship to a birth child had that child demonstrated abusive or dangerous behavior. Perhaps, she would have sought all types of therapy for eons, before dissolving.

As for quoting the bible, that's great that you are able to do so. I choose to walk the talk instead of merely quoting it. I have thanked God that she was not chosen to be those children's forever mother. She is undeserving of such a title. To forgive her would mean that I had some connection, interaction or relationship to her. My only 'connection' to her remains reading her blog and being insulted and diminished by her selfish act as it directly relates to my decision to build a family exclusively thru adoption.

As for publicly standing in judgement of her, why should I not, when she very publicly shared what should have remained private issues regarding her children; i.e. referring to her daughter as a Hartlot and discussing her inappropriate behaviors. For sweet Jesus...that's her child and she is name calling her and pointing out behaviors that the child clearly doesn't realize are bad, nor even understands why she exhibits those behaviors. So I figure as a grown woman, she should be able to enter into a public discourse regarding her choices since she blogged about her inability to deal with her children's difficult behavior.



Emma's decision has hurt my heart and been one more public story of a failed adoption in which the blame is on the child's behavior. Peraps she should accept responsibility for her inappropriate behavior of being a short term mom with parameters of only parenting children that don't shake the status quo.

I would also like to point out that no matter how many times I have prayed about a given situation, God has never led me to walk away from my children. Interesting how some people use God as a scapegoat for the decisons they make. I believe my God is a merciful and forgiving God and will forgive Emma for her decisions....that is not for me to do! I just know that I could not look in the mirror everyday, face myself and feel good about my decision.

I stand in full support of a friend who did dissolve but only after exhausting the ends-of-the-earth for every possible solution. For them, they made the SELFLESS decision to choose a family for their child rather than have their son live in residential treatment for years. THAT IS TRUE LOVE! Did they decide this in a few months...no. Did they agonize, pray, cry, beat themselves up over it...yes. These are the situations that Emma gives a bad name to.

I feel I am beating a dead horse now. She has never acknowledged her screwed up statement of my inability to walk in her shoes because I have not given birth to my kids. She chooses to ignore, those ignorant thoughts. Do I believe Emma will ever truly grasp what she has done wrong...that remains to be seen. Having never met her in person I cannot say I know her. Having read her blog posts however, I have come to realize I don't like her nor do I respect her decisions. A sad statement, but reality.

My heart remains saddened by her choices, her public berating of her child, and the deliniations of her children's misdeeds. What more can be said on this topic? She made a choice. Her children had no choice in any of it. Nor were they given the chance to grow and change!

geralyn said...

I continue to hold firm in my judgement of Emma. Her decisions have long lasting ramifications on not only her birth children, but also on the children she had for a few months. I believe she failed to teach her birth children some very important lessons; such as, demonstrating love in difficult circumstances that transcends reason and viability, that a family is a family until every possible avenue has been pursued. I feel she taught her birth children that when the going gets rough, she reliquishes and moves on. I question if she would dissolve her relationship to a birth child had that child demonstrated abusive or dangerous behavior. Perhaps, she would have sought all types of therapy for eons, before dissolving.

As for quoting the bible, that's great that you are able to do so. I choose to walk the talk instead of merely quoting it. I have thanked God that she was not chosen to be those children's forever mother. She is undeserving of such a title. To forgive her would mean that I had some connection, interaction or relationship to her. My only 'connection' to her remains reading her blog and being insulted and diminished by her selfish act as it directly relates to my decision to build a family exclusively thru adoption.

As for publicly standing in judgement of her, why should I not, when she very publicly shared what should have remained private issues regarding her children; i.e. referring to her daughter as a Hartlot and discussing her inappropriate behaviors. For sweet Jesus...that's her child and she is name calling her and pointing out behaviors that the child clearly doesn't realize are bad, nor even understands why she exhibits those behaviors. So I figure as a grown woman, she should be able to enter into a public discourse regarding her choices since she blogged about her inability to deal with her children's difficult behavior.



Emma's decision has hurt my heart and been one more public story of a failed adoption in which the blame is on the child's behavior. Peraps she should accept responsibility for her inappropriate behavior of being a short term mom with parameters of only parenting children that don't shake the status quo.

I would also like to point out that no matter how many times I have prayed about a given situation, God has never led me to walk away from my children. Interesting how some people use God as a scapegoat for the decisons they make. I believe my God is a merciful and forgiving God and will forgive Emma for her decisions....that is not for me to do! I just know that I could not look in the mirror everyday, face myself and feel good about my decision.

I stand in full support of a friend who did dissolve but only after exhausting the ends-of-the-earth for every possible solution. For them, they made the SELFLESS decision to choose a family for their child rather than have their son live in residential treatment for years. THAT IS TRUE LOVE! Did they decide this in a few months...no. Did they agonize, pray, cry, beat themselves up over it...yes. These are the situations that Emma gives a bad name to.

I feel I am beating a dead horse now. She has never acknowledged her screwed up statement of my inability to walk in her shoes because I have not given birth to my kids. She chooses to ignore, those ignorant thoughts. Do I believe Emma will ever truly grasp what she has done wrong...that remains to be seen. Having never met her in person I cannot say I know her. Having read her blog posts however, I have come to realize I don't like her nor do I respect her decisions. A sad statement, but reality.

My heart remains saddened by her choices, her public berating of her child, and the deliniations of her children's misdeeds. What more can be said on this topic? She made a choice. Her children had no choice in any of it. Nor were they given the chance to grow and change!

pintabians said...

Geralyn,
Emma's children do have a chance to grow and change with their new families. They are thriving.
If Emma had chosen to keep them longer and abused the children, would you forgive that? Would physical and emotional abuse not have greater consequences? Would the children suffer more? I have seen this on two occasions, as I have already said. It is sometimes in the best interest of the child that he or she is placed in a new family sooner. I am not saying that Emma was capable of this, all I'm saying is that she was humble enough to admit she could not do it, for whatever reason. We do not know the whole story, as she already stated.

I happen to live by the Bible and not just quote it. I only chose to quote it here on a public forum to back up what I already believe. My opinion is easily argued, but scripture is not.

You are entitled to your choice to not forgive Emma. I choose to obey the Lord and forgive her because Jesus forgave me, I will need forgiveness in the future, and because resentment doesn't work (it only hurts me). I am convinced it is the right thing to do.