I've been following a gal's blog for several months now. She has several children by birth and brought home 2 kids from Haiti post EQ. She has disrupted both of her new children's adoptions for un-specified reason, other than to say they acted in angry, violent and possibly sexual ways.
Being the shy, soft-spoken person that I am, I left her a comment on her blog sharing my view that she was totally unprepared to add children to her family thru adoption. She did post on her blog that she was suprised that the new kids did not show gratefulness or appreciativeness for being 'saved.' I tried to educate her, kindly, and thought that maybe, just maybe she had seen the error of her ways and mis-guided feelings. She acknowledged that she was un-prepared and only thought RAD was from drug or alcohol babies. She even wrote that she thought she needed to save these kids from the horrors of living as a Restavec. Hell, anyone who knows about Haiti knows the life of a Restavec is miserable at best and deadly at its worst. But to adopt a child to save them is wrong.
Adoption should always be motivated by the fact that the adoptive parents have love in abundance to share. Adoptive parents also realize that often the love they pour out to their new children isn't always reciprocated and if it is, it is sometimes masked by pain and previous traumatic behavior. It is also good to realize that in trans-racial and international adoption, the children often DO NOT physically resemble their new parents. If you don't like the constant public attention and dumb-ass questions, then you better think twice about adoption. I stand by my previous assertion that this other gal went into this with all the wrong motivation and without ANY agency guidance.
But what really twists my cork is what she just wrote on her blog in response to me. I paraphrase here, but she wrote that I could not walk in her shoes since all of my kids are adopted and she had to protect her birth children from her newly adopted Haitian kids. HELLLLOOOOO, does she not think I would protect my oldest two kids in the event that my little boys were acting out towards them????? I suppose since all my kids are adopted, means that I can allow them to be victimized by the newest two Laurie kids??!!
So in an effort to spread adoption etiquette to one gal who had no business complicating those two kids' lives by being unprepared for their arrival into her family, I share this deep thought: Regardless of the fact that all 4 of my children are adopted, I would protect them from harm in the same tenacious way that I would if they had been born to me. Can you sense I am screaming here????????
I also take offense at the comment she wrote in which she feels God used her as a tool to bring those kids here to the United States so that she could lead them to their forever mama. WHAT??? Maybe God expected you to step up to the plate, prepare, be knowledgeable and have a support system in place for the worst case scenario. Yes I do understand that there are in deed some situations in which finding a new family is the best solution for a child, however gut-wrenching it may be, but to have them home for 6-7 months and be dissolusioned because they added chaos and undesirable behavior is ignorant. I don't know anyone who would not seek all avenues of therapy and support, to include residential treatment to prevent a disruption. Yet I get the sense from her blog that she was just overwhelmed and frustrated because her new kids had some abusive backgrounds and brought that behavior with them. There appears to be a lot she did not think thru.
Oh this is a good statement she made. "After sacrificing for two years"....to get them home....! Excuse me? Who hasn't sacrificed to bring their kids home? The tears, gained weight, sleepless nights, anxiety, fear, frustration, finacial costs, yet we all did it and have been rewarded with the kids we desperatly wanted. Some people have had kids come home with really, really challenging behavior that is shocking, yet they haven't run right to court to dissolve the relationship. Some have put years into therapies, cried until there were no tears left and done a selfless act of finding a new home to ensure all their children's safety....to include their other adopted children too.
So I have vented and yet I don't feel any better. I do stand in judgement on this as I am greatly offended to know that she doesn't think my adopted children deserve the same level of protection as would a birth child. Maybe she is just tongue-twisted and things come out wrong, but I am still bugged to know she brought those kids home from Haiti and resented the fact they had baggage.
I'll end on this note of advice. Adding new kids to the family thru birth or adoption changes the status quo. Normal as it was once known, will never be again. Instead, a new normal takes its place. It takes time to shake out, but normal is a relative state of mind. A new normal does make itself apparant and life goes on. Is adoption easy, HELL NO! Would I change a thing? Well if I had a magic wand I would wipe the slate clean for my little boys and let them have come to me from loving, non traumatic situations, but then, they wouldn't have been available for adoption and to be my God given children. I guess since I lack a magic wand, I'd say I wouldn't change a thing and thank God for all 4 of my beautiful, lively, funny kids....even though they are adopted. And that last bit was written with a GREAT amount of sarcasm!!!
There are scars, still. Even within the miracles.
3 months ago