We haven't heard any news from Haiti since March 3rd when we finally heard that Jerome was out of MOI. Oops, we actually did hear that Richnightder did have his passport issued, but that news is a couple weeks old now too. So back to what I was saying, that we haven't gotten any new information since Vivian got back from the creche last Friday.
Throughout this long ordeal of an adoption, I had always believed that once our files were out of Haitian hands and into USCIS and the embassy, that it would move effficiently and quickly. I am beginning to have some serious doubts about that belief. I have these nagging fears that for some reason, USCIS will deny our boys their approval to immigrate and my world will come crashing down. I am hoping that these feelings I am having are just lingering shadows of fear that something will cause this adoption to not come to fruition.
Honestly, I have been having some really weird dreams lately and I can only chalk them up to my ever-present adoption worries. Last night I dreampt that I was a baby bird and that my mommy bird would not regurgitate in my mouth and I was sleepy and hungry. Yeah, I know, what would Freud have to say about that messed up dream and its underlying meanings? And then every once in awhile I get all panicky thinking about when the boys are actually home. I worry if I will do and be what they need in life and understand just how much they are loved. I worry about them transitioning to home and feeling comfortable; comfortable enough to have melt-downs and comfortable enough to show me their saddness and mourning about the loss of everything they have ever known in life before. Then as soon as I calm myself down, I go right back to worry about when the adoption will ever be finished. Maybe I am losing it. Or maybe I am just exhausted from living in a suspended state of animation for the last two years. The days turn into weeks, then months, and now years and still my boys are not home in my arms.
I have eaten my weight in chocolate Easter candy and if only the sun would come out and shine, I just might be in a slightly more upbeat mood. I am beginning to think that my mantra will always be, "As usual, the wait continues."
There are scars, still. Even within the miracles.
3 months ago